Bob: Welcome again sports fans, to your source on all things Executioner’s Run-related – the thrills, the spills, the heroes, and, of course, the gory, gory deaths! I’m Bob, the Orc with the talk, and this is Jeff, the Shou with the know!
Jeff: That’s right Bob, and what a run we had earlier today! And I don’t mean of the toilet-kind…
Bob: No-sir-ree Jeff, our age classification rating prevents us talking about that. Senseless murder by dinosaur, on the other hand, is what we’re here for!
Jeff: And, sadly for some, not a lot of that happened today. Odds were on the favourite, Colton Ironspike, a two-time veteran of the Run, to break away from the rest of these degenerates and survive for another day, but disappointingly, his trademark ‘People’s Elbow’ failed to connect with the velociraptor mother and he was torn into pieces in short order. I’ve never seen the inside of a dwarf before, Bob, and I definitely don’t want to do so again.
Bob: Yes, er, neither have I, my human friend. Definitely never. Changing the subject, to top off the disappointment, the merchant T’femi, whom the bookmakers gave 1:10,000 odds of surviving the run, made it through unscathed! There are definitely a few gamblers enjoying the spoils of their luck tonight.
Jeff: And more power to them. Executioner’s Run – bringing happiness and joy to the people, that’s their job and ours!
Bob: Some lay this strange upsetting of the odds to our other competitors – Vinca and her accomplices, guilty of unlicensed assassination.
Jeff: It certainly looks that way. In fact, it was one of them – the one who picked up the skull for a shield? – who grabbed hold of T’femi and was actually protecting him from the dinos, a strategy that up until now has been associated with a 115% chance of death!
Bob: And viewers were treated to a magical spectacle unprecedented in Executioner’s Run history – weird spectral bears, bolts of fire and evil light, werepanther shenanigans…
Jeff: It might’ve ended differently if the remaining raptors didn’t suddenly just decide to fall asleep 25 seconds into the Run.
Bob: That’s right Jeff, we have no idea why that happened.
Jeff: Perhaps they just got bored?
Bob: Perhaps they skipped nap time?
Jeff: Perhaps they had too many carbs for lunch?
Bob: Whatever it is, it meant that Vinca’s band of reprobates get to live another day.
Jeff: Well, I don’t think people will be too unhappy about that – they also saved the lives of hundreds of people when that raptor woke up and got loose.
Bob: And even more heartwarming than that, we can hope that they’ll commit some other nefarious crime, and then we get to see them in the Run again! Take heart, Run-lovers, for the reoffending rate of convicted criminals is reassuringly high! See you next week!
There may not be commentary like that above for every session, but we will do regular bookkeeping like this:
- Survive Executioner’s Run – 100XP each
- Find a guide – 50 XP each (you’re practically there so you might as well get the XP)
- Bonus XP:
- Save T’femi and the crowds – 50XP each
- Tolerate Bruce’s accent – 25XP each
- Total current XP: 525 / 900
- Vinca – Best Hardened Criminal Impression and Best Combat Finisher
- Drax – Damage Sponge Award for the impenetrable combination of resistance, temp hp and relentless endurance
- Frank – Best Seagull-Whisperer
- Stryker – Black Hawk Down Award for leaving no man behind (except the dwarf, that is)
- Amberlyn – Game of Death Award for best vendetta against a guy with an Afro
- Kleptor – Chief Financial Officer Award for offering to take all the gold
- Drax, Kleptor and Amberlyn for 3 natural 1s in a row
See you next week!